My boss thinks I’m smart (I’m not)

by Martin Luuk

My boss thinks I’m smart (I’m not).
He says he sees horns growing underneath my hair, it’s not even my real hair, just a toupée (it’s not). He says I’ve made a deal with the devil (I haven’t).
He says I’m a homosexual. He thinks I could love him if I weren’t living a lie (I couldn’t and I’m not). 
Now he’s spreading rumours about me on social media, he says my palms are hairy (they’re not) (but his are). 
He says I like The Eagles (I don’t) (at least not all that much) (I thought Desperado was ok) (and Take It Easy).
He’s threatening to fire me if I won’t have dinner with him (I’m considering it).
He says I’m a liability, that I steal stuff from the office cabinet (that’s actually true) (but not all that much) (just a pencil or two) (maybe some post-its) (and once a hard drive) (which I actually only borrowed) (but when I went to return it they had switched to a different brand so it would have been suspicious if I put the old one back).
So I put it on his desk (underneath some papers).
And somebody else noticed it lying there (and reported it to HR).
Now my boss writes that he’s overworked (haha) and that he needs to take a break (he does). 
And his boss apparently thinks I’m smart, so he’s made me the new boss (and I’ve accepted) until the old boss returns (he won’t).